This post has been hidden in my drafts archives since October 2010. The original title was “Processing…” and is the only thing I have edited. I’m posting this in an attempt to break free from the shackles of fear. You see, all my life I’ve been afraid of people. All my life I’ve been convinced that if anyone knew who I really was, they’d most definitely not like me or want me. That fear belief has been colliding in a epic battle with God’s intense love for me. At 37, I am finally ready to throw out some bread crumbs on the water. I haven’t written anything profound or life changing for anyone else perhaps, but for me, I pray this will change my life. I pray this will be an addition to the new chapter in my life, the chapter entitled: “FREEDOM”.
~In His Intense Love, traci xoxo
These past several months I have been having growing pains of sorts. You see, I’m approaching 36. My one and only blessing is almost 17(!). I could very possibly be an ‘empty nester’ by the time I’m 40 years young. That’s a lot to process for me. A whole lot.
This last year or so, my Love went to her dad’s early so I had the whole next day alone. This has happened before, but what was different was that instead of going about my day, the idea of not being able to have more children and my only child getting old enough to leave, hit me like a ton of bricks and I sobbed. Deep, heavy sobs, most of the day. I couldn’t stop. I gave myself an excruciating headache. I was face to face with my reality. I was dying to my dreams. Have you ever had that happen to you? Well, it hurts. A lot.
When I was growing up I wanted a big family, children laughing and running everywhere, and a big house to put them all in. That’s not exactly what happened. What happened was I failed too many classes my senior year of high school and didn’t graduate. The day I turned 18 I packed up my belongings into my 1978 Dodge Diplomat and never looked back. Shortly after that I was homeless, abusing drugs/alcohol, I met a guy, by fall was pregnant and gave birth just after turning 19. By that next fall we broke up and I became a single mom for 12 years living on welfare and trying to keep a job, moving about a dozen times. None of those things were in my plan. None of them. Not a one.
I moved out and changed my life because I met my Savior, so I wasn’t technically all alone. In 1998 I met my husband and we were married four years ago. Life was starting to turn out right and I thought for sure I could have my dreams back. I did everything right this time and I thought for sure it would ‘qualify’ me to get my dreams back, somehow. I stopped being ‘active’ and waited for my honeymoon, I was employed, self-sufficient and finally off welfare, had my own place and things and life, I’ve grown leaps and bounds in my personal and spiritual life, went all the way to China on a missions trip, I learned to be faithful to one man and we have a house and a backyard and dogs and fish and a freshly painted periwinkle bedroom…all the settings for a new life just waiting for the Lord to bless my womb. But He hasn’t yet.
I’m mostly past the continual crying, depression, anger, sadness and overall ‘it’s not fair’. Past the plotting, planning, militant cycle charting, supplement scarfing and begging when I pray. My insomnia still comes and goes though. I’m baking more and cooking more and spending time with my daughter more. I’m in a ‘quilt of the month’ club and I knit. I help out at church and frugally manage our home. I take pictures, read and daydream about being an author, pastry chef, a linguist and a missionary (or a teacher, lawyer, politician or astronaut, I’m too heavy to be a ballerina). My life is so blessed and I’m so grateful and content, but, my womb still aches. My heart still breaks. How do I make it stop? How do I completely embrace my very own and very real ‘This is your life’? I just want a baby. Is that a lot to ask?
For the record, this doesn’t consume my life like it once did. I really am doing much better. I really am content and happy. Every once in a while this comes up in my thoughts and I wanted to get it off my chest this time. Since 4 people ever stop by to read what I write I figured it’d be ok to post. And maybe, just maybe, someone will read this, understand, and not feel alone.
If that’s you too, please take solace in God’s word just as I have. Read and read all about the goodness of His character. Immerse yourself in His presence. Cry out to Him and lean on His chest. Be still, quiet. Listen for the beating of His heart that thumps your name. He has every hair on your head counted. He keeps all your tears in a bottle. His thoughts toward you outnumber the grains of sand from the sea. He restores the years that have been eaten away. He makes all things new. Be still and know, that He is God. I will be praying for you too.
Soli Deo Gloria,