This post has been hidden in my drafts archives since October 2010. The original title was “Processing…” and is the only thing I have edited. I’m posting this in an attempt to break free from the shackles of fear. You see, all my life I’ve been afraid of people. All my life I’ve been convinced that if anyone knew who I really was, they’d most definitely not like me or want me. That fear belief has been colliding in a epic battle with God’s intense love for me. At 37, I am finally ready to throw out some bread crumbs on the water. I haven’t written anything profound or life changing for anyone else perhaps, but for me, I pray this will change my life. I pray this will be an addition to the new chapter in my life, the chapter entitled: “FREEDOM”.
~In His Intense Love, traci xoxo
These past several months I have been having growing pains of sorts. You see, I’m approaching 36. My one and only blessing is almost 17(!). I could very possibly be an ‘empty nester’ by the time I’m 40 years young. That’s a lot to process for me. A whole lot.
This last year or so, my Love went to her dad’s early so I had the whole next day alone. This has happened before, but what was different was that instead of going about my day, the idea of not being able to have more children and my only child getting old enough to leave, hit me like a ton of bricks and I sobbed. Deep, heavy sobs, most of the day. I couldn’t stop. I gave myself an excruciating headache. I was face to face with my reality. I was dying to my dreams. Have you ever had that happen to you? Well, it hurts. A lot.
When I was growing up I wanted a big family, children laughing and running everywhere, and a big house to put them all in. That’s not exactly what happened. What happened was I failed too many classes my senior year of high school and didn’t graduate. The day I turned 18 I packed up my belongings into my 1978 Dodge Diplomat and never looked back. Shortly after that I was homeless, abusing drugs/alcohol, I met a guy, by fall was pregnant and gave birth just after turning 19. By that next fall we broke up and I became a single mom for 12 years living on welfare and trying to keep a job, moving about a dozen times. None of those things were in my plan. None of them. Not a one.
I moved out and changed my life because I met my Savior, so I wasn’t technically all alone. In 1998 I met my husband and we were married four years ago. Life was starting to turn out right and I thought for sure I could have my dreams back. I did everything right this time and I thought for sure it would ‘qualify’ me to get my dreams back, somehow. I stopped being ‘active’ and waited for my honeymoon, I was employed, self-sufficient and finally off welfare, had my own place and things and life, I’ve grown leaps and bounds in my personal and spiritual life, went all the way to China on a missions trip, I learned to be faithful to one man and we have a house and a backyard and dogs and fish and a freshly painted periwinkle bedroom…all the settings for a new life just waiting for the Lord to bless my womb. But He hasn’t yet.
I’m mostly past the continual crying, depression, anger, sadness and overall ‘it’s not fair’. Past the plotting, planning, militant cycle charting, supplement scarfing and begging when I pray. My insomnia still comes and goes though. I’m baking more and cooking more and spending time with my daughter more. I’m in a ‘quilt of the month’ club and I knit. I help out at church and frugally manage our home. I take pictures, read and daydream about being an author, pastry chef, a linguist and a missionary (or a teacher, lawyer, politician or astronaut, I’m too heavy to be a ballerina). My life is so blessed and I’m so grateful and content, but, my womb still aches. My heart still breaks. How do I make it stop? How do I completely embrace my very own and very real ‘This is your life’? I just want a baby. Is that a lot to ask?
For the record, this doesn’t consume my life like it once did. I really am doing much better. I really am content and happy. Every once in a while this comes up in my thoughts and I wanted to get it off my chest this time. Since 4 people ever stop by to read what I write I figured it’d be ok to post. And maybe, just maybe, someone will read this, understand, and not feel alone.
If that’s you too, please take solace in God’s word just as I have. Read and read all about the goodness of His character. Immerse yourself in His presence. Cry out to Him and lean on His chest. Be still, quiet. Listen for the beating of His heart that thumps your name. He has every hair on your head counted. He keeps all your tears in a bottle. His thoughts toward you outnumber the grains of sand from the sea. He restores the years that have been eaten away. He makes all things new. Be still and know, that He is God. I will be praying for you too.
Soli Deo Gloria,
~traci
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, bless your heart. I’m saying a prayer for you. I wish I had some words that would help. I don’t. Just bless you. (((hugs)))
Thank you so, so, so very much sweet Cindy. Your words & prayers mean so much to me. I’m praying for you too. ((hug))
~traci
xoxo
I understand this so well and I share this pain with you in so many ways. Our stories have many similarities. Our little home is full with 4 growing boys but my deep hearts desire four a dauhter of my own is left unfulfilled. This girl my heart loves so wild isn’t likely to be mine. I have cried myself dry over what feels like a death, because I have waited my whole life to love her in the flesh.
I feel so selfish when the grieving surfaces. I have friends who struggle and fail over and over again to bring a single child into this world. I know I should be thankful for my 4 – and I am! – but still I grieve. The tears come less frequently but they still come. And I still hope against all logic that in time He will open my womb, or my home, to mt beautiful Abigail Grace. I trust Him and His timing and His plan, but yet I hope.
I pray He gives you the desires of your heart as well
Oh sweet Kaira. I DO understand. It IS a grieving process, there IS a loss. We ARE grateful for what we have, and it’s ok to want a baby girl. It’s what mama’s were made for. It’s a beautiful thing honey.
Sending you the BIGGEST HUG EVER, Friend!!!
~All my Love,
traci
xoxo
I think this real, honest and raw truth is beautiful. My life hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would, and sometimes it is just frustrating. I let go and let God, but God didn’t do what I wanted Him too. I tried to earn it too.
Learning to live, love and be filled where I am.
I pray it for you too.
Thank you for your prayers! I totally understand Amy. It is hard, pain is real. One thing I’m learning is it’s OK to grieve!!! The Lord is near in joy AND in sorrow and we can pour ourselves out to Him over EVERYTHING. To Him, the ‘little things’ are big things because they happen to us, His children. Any earthly parent would do at least half that. The amazing thing about God is He does it ALL THE TIME. We just need to run to Him, He’s waiting…
~Love,
traci
xoxo
Thank you for sharing. I have goosbumps. May the Lord use your words, your story, as balm to hurting hearts.
We are not alone in this.
::hugs::
Donielle, I can’t tell you what it means to me that you stopped by. I think of you often & pray for you, sweet friend. You have been such a source of encouragement & knowledge to me. It’s so good to know I’m not alone. WE’RE not alone, and Jesus binds us together, to His heart, to each other. I can’t wait to give you the biggest hug ever, that I’ve been saving just for YOU!!
~All my Love,
traci
xoxo
Oh, Traci, thank you for exposing your heart. That took tremendous courage–proud of you! I know many will breathe a sigh of relief knowing that they are not alone and that it is okay to admit that it really does hurt and yet God is still good. (((HUGS))) May God continue to immerse you in His comfort and courage.
Thank you so much Deb!! You’re encouragement is such a treasure to me. It DOES hurt and it IS OK! You’re right, God IS still good and just as trustworthy as always. Thank you for your prayers new friend, know they are truly appreciated and you are being prayed for in return!
~Love,
traci
xoxo
What an amazing testimony of contentment and a heart that seeks joy in all things. I am so encouraged by this today. Thank you so much for stepping out in faith and sharing your story. I believe raw emotions exposed speaks testaments of God’s amazing grace for it is in our weakness His strength and glory shines through.
You are so sweet Leigh Ann!! You have blessed me by stopping by, by tweeting and by showing kind gentleness toward me. Thank you for your words of encouragement and truth about God’s character. May He be glorified in all we say and do, friend!
~Love,
traci
xoxo
Oh Traci! I wish I could hug you right now!
Real. Personal. Brave.
Oh Lisa!! I wish I could hug YOU TOO right now!!! It means so much to see your face on my screen. You have been such a blessing to me girl. Thank you heaps for your encouragement to me as I faced the darkness today. The Light of friendship & truth prevailed!! Save a hug for me, I pray I’ll be able to receive it some day soon!
~All my Love,
)
traci
xoxo
(p.s. Tardis Blue!
Traci – thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully. It is a kindness to share your sorrows as well as your joys with your Sisters in Christ, for freedom and love and joy thrive in the soil of truth.
You worded that so well Sara! Yes, we need to stop believing the lie that it’s better to keep things to ourselves. We are robbing the blessings from both directions and cutting off an opportunity for God to be glorified. Thank you so much for your encouragement friend! It’s precious to me.
~Love,
traci
xoxo
Oh, hon, I’m proud of you for being brave. Sara is so right, it is a sweet kindness to share your story, the good and the bad, for there are many of us that need to hear it.
It’s been an incredible journey, and He’s not finished with you (or any of us) yet!
Blessings and (((hugs))), sweet sister!
It was hard, but I knew I had to obey the Lord! And yes! I’m so glad he’s not finished with us yet! I’ve been thinking, sometimes, we just need to hear ourselves tell our stories too. Sometimes, we just need to see and hear and read what we’re going through and what God is doing in the midst of it all. He is faithful!!
~All my Love & biggest (((hugs))),
traci
xoxo
Traci, I love your sweet, tender heart. These are healing words you share and I thank you. Letting ourselves grieve for the absent little ones around our table is so necessary, and so is trusting God for what He has in store for us next. I’m praying for you, sweet sister! {{hugs}}
Thank you Susan. I now know it is very important to let ourselves grieve and even more importantly, continue to trust the Lord. When we keep trusting Him, there’s hope and where there’s hope, there’s strength to carry on.
(((hugs)))
~Love,
traci
xoxo
Oh Traci, my little Yoville friend, This is the most personal “anything” I’ve really ever read/seen about you. I’m so sorry you’ve struggled with this. I can tell you, that all the obstacles you’ve faced over the years(and stomped!) have molded you into who you are today! But you know this already. We all know GOD has our plan worked out already, we just don’t know what it is. And sometimes it just isn’t what we think or want it to be. It’s just up to us ALWAYS to keep the faith, keep the trust and keep loving those around us!! Much love to you always from way down south!!
Leslie!! Hi friend! Oh I’m so thrilled to see your comment here! Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement, they mean so much. May the Lord bless you the way you have blessed me!
~Love,
traci
xoxo