oronosunset

I have occupied this space in the vast interwebs since 2006. That was a long time ago.

Over time, as most things do, it has morphed. From being a homeschool/mommy blog to including my knitting and cooking to what is has been more recently, in industry terms, a “Christian lifestyle blog”.

And now, I look to the future.

I’ve been working out what this space should be and will become for a very long time. Wrestling with myself, seeking the Lord and His higher plan. To be honest, it’s mostly been me wrestling with myself.

Most days, when my thoughts wander to this space, I have a hard time containing all the ideas swarming around my ever-busy brain. However, it’s not long before my emotions kick in and I shove it all aside and cringe at the thought of being “chained to my computer” and being “a slave to social media”. Well, it’s actually more that I still can’t wrap my brain around the idea that someone else, anyone else, would want to know that much about me, my life, what I was doing, what my thoughts or opinions are. It really doesn’t make sense in my brain. I’ve never thought I’m that important.

Maybe that’s my problem.

If “I” don’t feel like my life or anything I would have to say is “that important” to share with anyone else, and that no one else would even want to hear or know anyway…why should I bother wasting time coming up with things to say or share? There are a million other things I could be doing, and would want to be doing, that would bear much more fruit. Right?

So, after all these years, I’m starting to see it still all comes down to this: I still struggle with attaching value to myself and everything about me.

“Who am I? That you would think of me?”

You know, it’s hard to find the correct balance of humility. To love oneself, but not too much. To know you are valued, but not “all that”. To believe you were created in the image of God, but you are not Him. That gray line gets fuzzy for me and I err on the side of holding back rather than fully embracing what I’m worth in hopes that when the Lord looks upon me He will see a woman desperately wanting to please Him and Him alone, yet seeing something else.

And then I wonder…

Wouldn’t it please Him the most if I fully embraced the value of myself that is found in Him and THEN repent when I falter? Would it be easier for me, for Him, to have a relationship where reigning in was more pleasurable a task than pushing and coercing out of the nest?

At what point is it ok to fully let go…and jump…and risk…in order to fly into all the Lord has and is for me?

Now that I look, I see it in my daughter as well. She’s always been a “late bloomer”. It has always taken more time for her to come to a place where she is willing to dive into things. And by “dive” I mean “inch forward in trepidation”.  Just like her mother.

We’ve been through a lot. A LOT.

We have very good reasons as to why we are the way we are. Time has passed, but it takes more time than most for us to get back to a place of breathing “normal” again. And apparently, with a lot of things, it has taken even longer than that. For as many chains have been broken from me, I still feel the lingering weight of them, so familiar, that heaviness, even when there’s nothing visible holding me down.

When you’ve hunched over as long as I have, you don’t automatically stand upright all the time. It takes practice, patience, perseverance to learn how to walk with your head up. Softened muscles, atrophied limbs, they don’t heal over night. 

If I were to be honest, I would have to admit that I am still under the invisible weight of invisible chains that I have known all my life. I have come very far from where I once was, so very far, and I know I don’t want to turn back–oh heaven’s no! However, I am feeling as though I can’t keep pushing on, I’m tired. This road is hard. This road has been long. I just want to rest, but it’s not always easy to know for how long.

If you rest too long, you will lose gained ground. I haven’t fought this hard for nothing.

But I have fought hard. And it’s tiring.

Some people find it easy to process things online, in front of others. Besides the fact that it petrifies me, I’ve never really been that kind of person. I’ve always struggled alone (ask my husband), though I’m learning to let others in. I’m not quite at a place where letting everyone see all the bad things in me is comfortable. I’ve only done that when I’ve felt the Lord ask me to, out of obedience, not out of desire.

(I’m afraid people mistake my fears for humility. I’m not completely lacking in humility, but neither is fear wanting in my life.)

And yet, I have come so far!!! I’m trying to not let discouragement get the better of me as I look to see how far I have yet to go.

I’ve been clinging (and by “clinging” I mean “had a death grip on”) to scripture and worship these past couple of years, more so than I have in a long time. It has been my light, my bread, my water, my shelter. Everything I have needed to sustain me. I have reached a point in my life where I know I could never survive without Jesus. Such a far cry from the days of shaking my loathing fist at Him. Those days of being convinced I couldn’t live without everything else, other than Him. I shudder to think I was that person.

My everything BUT Jesus has turned into NOTHING but Jesus.

I know I haven’t put anything new in this space for a long time and I honestly don’t know when I will put anything in this space again. I think of you often though. I wonder how you are, what you’re doing…and I pray for you. I truly do.

Right now, things are busy. I’ve been in the process of processing a lot of things in need of processing. It’s just been that kind of season in my life.

Also, I’ll be 40 soon.

I can’t even begin to tell you how happy that makes me(!!) and how I have trouble understanding those that are dreading it. For me, it is another moment, another year, another decade, that the Lord has gifted me. I should be dead, BUT GOD intervened! Maybe that’s what’s been difficult to process as well. The life road I’m traveling right now is completely uncharted, I don’t know where I’m going! I never made plans for my future when I was younger because I was certain I wouldn’t be alive that long. I am now alive and am having a hard time knowing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life! How utterly amazing!

So, know this: Though I am struggling through this time of processing, I’m pressing on. Even if I take some time to sit a while to quietly rest, I know I’ll be ok.

I’ve never had so much hope in my entire life that I will be ok and I will make it through. And it’s all because of the love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has for me and has shown me and continues to show me as I walk with Him. I pray you will know this deep, abiding, life-transforming love and hope that can only be found in Jesus Christ.

“…“The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart” (that is, the word of faith which we preach): that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.”For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him.For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.””  ~Romans 10:8-13

And if you do know Him, I pray you make Him not only your Savior but your Lord. I challenge you to relentlessly pursue Him, making the Bible your primary and only source for everything in your life. It will always lead you to the truth that will set you free.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Deb Weaver June 17, 2014 at 4:31 pm

Oh, how I closely relate to this post. Wow. I appreciate you sharing!

Deb Weaver

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Joy B Rudolph June 17, 2014 at 8:19 pm

Traci, I love you. That is all :)

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Kendra Fletcher June 17, 2014 at 10:48 pm

This was beautiful and a privilege to read.

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