Please excuse the randomness of thought & emotion as I blurt this out…unedited.
I’m sure by now it’s become obvious I have not been consistent in keeping my presence online. For the faithful, I wholeheartedly apologize. In all seriousness, I have been struggling to continue blogging and writing and tweeting and updating my Facebook status. I have come to a point where the noise and time sucking aspects of social media is well, repellent. It’s changed TONS in the last 6+ years that I have been engaged in it….and so have I.
I don’t necessarily look back with regrets or anything, but I do look at it and see that it has become blurry. I’m not sure where it’s going and I’m not sure where I want to take it or even if I WANT to take it anywhere. Knowing it’s not all about me, I’ve been praying and seeking the Lord as to what HE wants me to do with this platform. In a lot of ways I feel I should let it ‘die’ and I’m reminded of this scripture:
“24 Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. 25 He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor.” John 12:24-26
Maybe I just need a break? This is a time consuming task. It’s now considered a full-time JOB (which still blows my mind). A break would give me time to really evaluate things, to see where I’ve been and to dream of where I want to go. It would give me time to BREATHE. So much has happened in my life the last couple years and I’m wondering if I’ve really given myself enough time and space to process it all. I know I’m still grieving the loss of the baby and the adoption. I know I’m still sorting out how our lives will continue on from that. It was a HUGE ordeal that has consumed over a year of our lives. That’s a long time to go through one thing. And it’s still going on, the aftermath, the processing, the emotion stabilizing…that’s not even mentioning all the other life things that happened and are happening during that time and now.
It’s been a lot.
So. I think instead of me trying to make the horse drink…I’ll just let him be. Writing should never be forced anyway nor should interacting with others for that matter. Right now, I feel like I’m forcing things to happen, forcing myself to maintain my social media platform. I’m engulfed in inner dialogues such as:
“What should I tweet about?”
“I haven’t posted a pic on Instagram in awhile, I should do that…”
“My Facebook page has been so dormant, I should…”
“Should this…blah, blah, blah….”
SHOULD, SHOULD, SHOULD….NOT!
It’s exhausting. I just want to live in a way that isn’t dictated by what I should or should not share with thousands of strangers. I just want to wake up and think about anything BUT SEO, analytics, blah, blah, blah…I think I just need a break!
I have come to a place where I don’t always feel like my life is ruled by Christ. That is a TERRIBLE place to be. Facebook didn’t die for me to have eternal life or to be reconciled to God the Father, JESUS DID.
This isn’t about obsession either. I’m not obsessed, I’m becoming consumed and distracted by things other than my Savior and for me, that is not acceptable. I didn’t continue being a Christian for all of these years to just let idols conquer my heart. That’s what the world was like for me before Christ captured my soul. It was pulled in so many directions from so many idols and distractions that I had completely lost who I was. I was totally blind and imprisoned by my own selfish desires and the alluring desires of the world.
NONE, NOT EVEN ONE OF THOSE THINGS, SATISFIED.
It wasn’t until Jesus came, opened my eyes to the truth, that I was set free. That’s what this journey has been about all these years…FREEDOM. Becoming the person God originally created me to be. His child. His beloved daughter. And that’s what I want, that’s what I need. In order to do that, for me, right now, I need to unplug. I need to quiet the voices, the demands, the expectations, the pressures.
I need to find my freedom again. I need to walk in the freedoms that have been won for me. I need to be at the feet of Jesus…ALL OF ME. He died and rose again for all of me, the least I can do is die to myself for all of Him. I want Jesus to get all He paid for, and whatever that means, whatever that looks like, I’ll do it. What’s a time of ‘radio silence’ in the grand scheme of things anyway? If it brings me close to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, it will all be worth it. I don’t live for man, it is no longer I that live, but Christ that lives within me:
“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Galations 2:20
I love you all, dearly, you’re precious to me.
I love my Savior more.
I need to be with Him right now. I need to be ‘all there’ with Him right now, at His feet, at the foot of the cross, where the quiet flow of His shed blood can wash me, where the serenity of His peace can envelop me, where the power of the truth of His Word can transform me.
If you need me, that’s where you’ll find me.